GUIDE TO GUILT FREE NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

To resolve or not to resolve? If you are like most you have guilt over falling short of your 2010 promises to self. I don’t make them myself but that is not to say I don’t set goals. It isn’t so much the resolution but the motivation that is questionable.

The average resolution is motivated by guilt or a sense of “should.” We feel bad about some aspect of our lives. We want to stop a bad habit or start something we should be doing already. Lose weight, quit smoking, go to church, exercise, be on time, visit friends, get organized, read a book … you get the picture. By the end of the year few of the goals are realized cycling around to another year of guilt.

Instead of fear and guilt it is better to set goals according to your passions. It is no chore to do what you love. No burden of guilt of can do the work of an ounce of released passion. To be successful in a New Year Resolution you need at least four things.

1. Identify an area of interest or passion. Build on positives or find a positive motivation to correct a negative, e.g. playing tennis.

2. Set a concrete, time sensitive, reasonable goal for the year to come. It must be concrete such as “join a tennis club in January” instead of “play more tennis.”

3. Develop a simple strategy to accomplish something in your passion area e.g. “Take 5 tennis lessons and compete in 4 tournaments” rather than “get on the court.”

4. Finally, tell someone about your dream and strategy. Better yet, partner with someone. You will need all the support you can get to change a habit.

Welcome to Guilt Free New Year Resolutions where you can build on your passions, overcome the guilt cycle and live with freedom to nourish your heart’s desires. Happy New Year!

BLUE IS NOT A CHRISTMAS COLOR

The holidays are supposedly the brightest and most joyful time of the year. For some, nothing could be further from reality. Many people suffer the Holiday Blues. There are a number of factors that contribute to this recognized malady. For a few, it is a warning shot for a developing depressive disorder. For most it is simply a seasonal mood disruption that is manageable.

The contributing factors for holiday blues include reduced light during shortened winter days, significant losses during the previous year, e.g. divorce, death, lay off etc., disappointments stemming from family conflict, year-end guilty feelings realizing shortcomings of the this year’s performance, a predisposition to depressive moods.

If you are already being treated for depression, you may need to be extra vigilant for signs of worsening symptoms and be sure to keep up or even increase your therapy and self-care regimen (see below). If someone you love suffers from depression, be watchful for increased symptoms such as missing work, isolation, changes in appetite, changes in sleep patterns, and increased irritability. Encourage them to consult their doctor or therapist.

If the Holiday Blues is more seasonal and a familiar short term mood disturbance, then there are a few things you can do to maintain positive feelings and attitudes.

1. Get adequate sleep. It is easy to get caught up in the rush for Christmas preparations and stay up too late.
2. Eat right. Ok I know it’s the holidays but heavy meals and sugar loaded highs and the inevitable crash can play havoc with your moods.
3. Exercise. A fast walk or other exercise that maintains a heart rate of over 120 bpm is not only good for your heart but can dramatically improve your mood. There are some good brain chemicals being stimulated through elevated heart rates.
4. Remain connected to your family and friends. Isolation is a powerful and subtle force that can inhibit good feelings.
5. Don’t try to do everything. Some things are simply not as important as they seem.
6. Avoid negative people. You may not be able to completely avoid the family members that are not on your A list but you might be able to limit your time by scheduling yourself to be there only “for a couple of hours” rather than staying the whole day. The guilt you feel for not staying may be better than the frazzled nerves if you do.
7. Watch your self-talk. If you think negatively about yourself, you will probably feel more blue. Consciously monitor how you talk to yourself and think about issues. If you have made a mistake, refuse to call yourself names and say something instead like “Humans make mistakes. I am human so I am allowed a mistake.”
8. Intentionally do or read something every day that makes you smile.
9. Help someone else. If you get your mind off your own troubles and do something good for others you will almost always feel better.
10. Be thankful for something every hour. Set your watch to beep every hour and search for something of which you can be grateful for 2 minutes at a time. That’s only twenty minutes of positive feelings every day.

So there you have it, a short list of how to conquer the Holiday Blues. There may be other things that work for you. Be creative. Plan ahead and be grateful for incremental progress.

Have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year … Really!

ALL CHILDREN FLY AWAY

ALL CHILDREN FLY AWAY

What is a mother to do when her baby bird gains its feathers? A friend recently lamented that she would take her 2 year old son for his first hair cut the next day. A sheer tragedy that his blonde baby curls would find the barber’s floor. There was tension in her face and a tear in her eye. The bitter truth was evident. Her baby was taking another step toward adulthood. It was not the last step, thank God, but it seemed only another week and he would be packing his car to go to college. A sense of loss and dread came for she knows as all mothers know that a day far too soon there he will be no baby and she will be stretched into an ever changing era of motherhood.

As school starts, mothers find themselves in a similar dread. Bustling for “back to school” and shopping for the fall wardrobe, she confronts the conflicting feelings of pride and sadness as first days are at hand. Her toddler is scheduled for her first day of Kindergarten, her elementary child now a pubescent Junior High student, and an astonishingly adult-like young woman begins her High School career, and proud confusion upon confusion when her graduate sets up his University dorm room.

A mother’s identity can sometimes get stuck on what “should” have been. Many mothers experience guilt and remorse in the difficulties of the previous stage. She may even fear she has caused her child harm, haunted by the memories of disappointments or failures or broken promises. It seems that there is never enough mother to cover a day’s needs. Such fears hinder her from entering into the celebration of the “first day” that is now upon her. Regrets can dampen the excitement and joy of the new adventure that her child is entering.

Another fear may come. She asks herself if she is up to the task of the next stage. It is one thing to change a diaper or bandage a booboo, but quite another to relearn algebra, empathize with a broken puppy love heart, settle her own heart when her baby is steering 2 tons of steel and rubber at 70 miles per hour with those crazy drivers on the highway out of reach of her protective wings. Letting go is hard in any realm, but no more so when a mother must transition from being everything to an infant to a mere advisor to her nearly independent university student. God is merciful to grow them up as slowly as He does for it is overwhelming at the pace it actually comes.

But wait. Don’t lose sight of the main job description. The task of parenting is to teach the chicks to fly. Set aside regrets and fears. Transitions are truly marks of success for parents. Mothers nurture her chick to the edge of his healthy new life. He must flap his wings and imitate the full flight long mastered by his parents. Her son must leap (or be pushed), to test if his wings can carry him from branch to branch.

Yes mothers, celebrate your motherhood! Be joyful and proud and lead your child in excitement and anticipation as she meets her teacher, gets her locker, chooses her friends, develops her own personality, chooses her own path and learns from her own mistakes. You too are on an adventure of trust and fear. You must take another step back from the hands-on management of her life -- a challenging transition of your own. A step back as they step forward. A little less in control, a little less telling them and less doing for them. A little more respecting their independence and allowing them to learn from their own mistakes. A little less able to protect and a little more trusting them and God for their safety and security.

So as the tears come when you watch your child enter his “first day” of riding the bus, driving himself to school, or buying her first semester’s books, remember that mothers are always mothers. The involvement levels and responsibilities will be reduced. The steps back are painful and filled with anxiety. The regrets will heal. Find freedom in your heart to celebrate the successful passage of a child into their new step of maturity. Champion their achievement and join them in the adventure of growing up. With every expression of independence of your son or daughter allow the quiet, confident grin to cross your face, that you have been part of the making of a good man or woman and watch them fly.

Originally Published on page 7 of The Metro Woman, August 2010 http://www.themetrowoman.com/

Depression: Singing the Blues When the Band is Playing Swing

Many people "Sing the Blues." They feel trapped as if there is no way out of the pit of deep sadness and debilitating lack of motivation. Everyone else seems able to enjoy the Swing Band’s melody and kick up their heels with the joy of living. Depression sufferers find it difficult even to get out of bed.

Depression is a serious mental/emotional problem. Depression affects 1 in 6 Americans every year. Women are twice as likely to experience depression as men. Major Depression of various types affects 10%. Left untreated, suicide is often the tragic result.

Everyone feels sad from time to time. Usually there are negative circumstances that make sense of down moods and in less than two weeks the sadness will have largely dissipated or at least not have disrupted regular life activities.

Depression is different. Sad or irritable feelings without a sufficient identifiable cause (grief, loss etc.). Depression binds people in intense sadness and other symptoms on most days for more than 2 weeks.

It is not a choice. Depression is not something people can “snap out of” or “choose not to feel” nor can it be “easily solved by fervent spiritual disciplines.” Depression results from a complex interaction between physical, emotional, circumstantial and spiritual components. Oversimplifying the causes can create confusion and disillusionment and can serve to deepen the depression.

Besides sadness, the symptoms of Depression include

• Preoccupation with Death
• Suicidal Thinking or Acts
• Chronic Aches & Pains
• Sleep Disturbances, either too much or too little
• Lack of Interest in Hygiene and may be Unkempt
• Loss of Interest in Sex
• Low Energy, slow and heavy speech patterns
• Guilt Feelings
• Feeling Worthless / Hopeless or Disappointed in oneself
• Self Condemning Thoughts
• Sad for no reason
• Anxiety / panic*Loss of Interest in things that were once enjoyable
• Irritable, Restless, Agitated
• Inability to Concentrate
• Decreased Decision Ability
• Thoughts of Death / Suicide
• Difficulty Thinking / Remembering
• “I don’t care” attitude
• Feeling Abandoned by God
• Lack of Purpose or Meaning
• Loss of Interest in Spiritual Things
• Withdrawal from Family/Friends

Again, experiencing any combination of these symptoms for more than 2 weeks indicates depression. Immediate treatment is the best course. Here are some steps toward treating depression and improving mood symptoms.

• If you have suicidal thoughts GET HELP IMMEDIATELY. Call 911 or go to an EMERGENCY ROOM.
• Schedule an appointment with your physician to discuss symptoms and rule out other medical causes
• Maintaining Overall Good Physical Health including adequate exercise and good nutrition play a vital role in maintaining mood stability and avoiding depression.
• Tell someone you trust about your feelings, e.g. a good friend, teacher, school counselor, Physician, minister, priest, rabbi, or spiritual leader.
• Maintain positive connections or become connected to friends, groups and family. Avoid isolation.
• Schedule an appointment with a counselor or other mental health practitioner to assess your situation and begin treatment (NCI contact number is 479-855-5704 or email at bill@ncicares.com).
• If medication is prescribed, it is important to seek counseling as well because medication without therapy is far less effective than when used in combination with counseling.
• Developing good self esteem through positive self talk can dramatically improve mood over time.

Suggestions for maintaining good emotional health:

• Maintain positive self talk. Don’t allow self condemning thoughts and replace them with accurate and positive self affirmation.
• Engage in positive social interaction.
• Begin or maintain activities that provide purpose and enjoyment in life.
• Exercise: 20 minutes or more of heart healthy exertion will improve mood by releasing the feel good brain chemicals called endorphins and reduce harmful immune system chemicals that can worsen depression. Exercise also increases body temperature which may have calming effects
• Eating a Healthy Diet can also have profound influences on mood. Overeating and eating certain foods can have a “mood lowering” effect on some people.
• Seek Counseling soon after life circumstances are disrupted through loss or other challenges. The longer you wait, the more difficult and lengthy the recovery.
• Have Regular Medical Checkups. There are some diseases such as heart disease and diabetes that can have a profound effect on mood.
• Maintain or develop spiritual pursuits with a group, clergy or spiritual leader.
• Develop at least one friendship in which you can share your real feelings.

Depression a common. Many suffer from its effects and find themselves Singing the Blues. In the words of Duke Ellington, “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing.” The good news is that Depression is almost always responsive to available treatment. In as little as a few days to several weeks there is likely to be a noticeable improvement in mood, more energy and a return to the enjoyments of life. Many resources are available to people who suffer from depression. Self Help, Medical Intervention, Spiritual Support and Professional Counseling can combine to shake the Blues and Swing into the joy of living.

Intimacy: Allowing Deep Gazes into your Soul

Intimacy is not simply exchanging skin deep glances of sensuality but unashamedly opening yourself to long gazes into your soul. Intimate relationships, are perhaps the most gratifying and terrifying of human experiences. We crave deep connection with other humans. We dream of being ourselves without pretense. Yet, we are intensely apprehensive when vulnerabilities are exposed. We try to openly share and our internal defenses warn us that we are about to enter the rejection zone. To be intimate, we must let our hair down, allow others to see us as we really are, and risk being criticized or rejected.

When there is threat of rejection, we employ defensive reactions that attempt to put curtains over the windows of our souls. These curtains come in many styles and fashions like withdrawal, controlling behaviors, angry retaliation, argumentativeness, overly self critical responses, avoidance responses, passive aggression and others. Defensiveness keeps the threat away but also prevents intimacy from being experienced.

The first step toward intimacy is to remove the blinders. You must first become aware of your defensive responses. Gaining self awareness is itself scary and can be quite difficult. To take the proverbial step back to attempt an honest, objective view of self is challenging.

Secondly, you must work through or “process” the defensive responses and realize what underlying vulnerabilities they are designed to protect. As strong as your defenses have been you have not successfully prevented the relational pain defensiveness was designed to prevent. Processing defensiveness is completed when the defensive structures have been challenged and relinquished to the extent that they are no longer the “automatic” response.

Free from the traps of defensiveness, you can adopt a more open and intimate posture. Being open will seem less risky and the reward of mutuality and depth in relationships becomes possible. You will be able to open your soul, not because you won’t be hurt, but because you have processed the risks and are able to manage the risk and not cover up through defensiveness.

Intimacy is hard work. It takes courage and confidence to let someone see the real inner “you.” To the degree your defenses are lowered and others can see you as you are, you become an intimate partner. The higher you erect defenses, the less intimacy is possible with others. Intimacy is not always mutual, but it is certain that if you are aware of your defenses and process them sufficiently, you will be able to open the curtains of your soul when your partner gazes in your direction.

THE MASQUERADE OF NEEDS

THE MASQUERADE OF NEEDS

Relational Stress draws couples to Marriage Counseling. The ability to manage stress is directly proportionate to the ability to enjoy life with others. Resolution to relationship stress can have an immediate and profound positive effect on a marriage or significant relationship.

This blog is about a particular kind of relational stress, The Masquerade of Needs, where one or both partners has an inordinate NEED for approval. When this “need” is perceived not to be met, relationship stress occurs which sets in motion a series of relational reactions that are automatic and destructive.

Essentially relationship stress occurs when perceived NEEDS seem to outpace perceived PROVISION. It’s like when there is too much month at the end of the money. If you NEED $600 to make rent tomorrow and the next paycheck is 2 weeks away, and you have $150 to your name. You are likely to feel STRESS.

Similarly, if you perceive the need to be “loved” or “accepted” at a certain level, at a certain time and through a certain relationship in a certain way, and no matter what you do, your partner does not provide that need, you will experience RELATIONAL STRESS. It will likely take the forms of withdrawal of affection, picking a fight, becoming verbally angry and accusing, negative or critical. These are defensive reactions that masquerade as the “protector” of the needy person in a feeble attempt to protect them from feeling the pain of rejection. The masquerade tries to PROVE that self is valuable but the self does not believe it (low self esteem).

The first question to answer in dealing with stress is, "ARE MY PERCEIVED NEEDS REAL OR JUST A MASQUERADE?" or "IS MY SENSE OF LOW SELF VALUE DISTORTING OR MASKING THE OTHER PERSON’S INTENT?"

There are legitimate hurts which must be felt and processed. There are also perceived hurts that come from a MISINTERPRETATION (masquerade) of a word or action of the other person. These perceived hurts must also be felt and processed … but not believed.

Some people who look at the world through the lens of low self esteem do not PERCEIVE acceptance and approval even when it is being offered. They perceive that their NEED for approval or love is rarely being met and something deep within them suggests that they don’t REALLY DESERVE it in the first place.

Many times relational stress does not arise from ACTUAL FAILURE TO MEET NEEDS but from the perception that you are NOT WORTHY TO HAVE YOUR NEEDS MET. Real feelings of rejection are a result of how low self value misinterprets the good intentions of others reinforcing the false belief that you are not worth the effort to love. This is a firmly held and seldom challenged internal notion that would say if it could speak, “IF YOU WERE WORTH LOVING, THEY WOULD DO OR SAY WHAT YOU NEED.” What you “NEED” then becomes is seen as the “right” of the self and therefore the “obligation” of the lover. Failure of the partner to meet the need SEEMS TO PROVE YOU ARE NOT WORTH LOVING.

This is a never ending merry-go-round of trying and failing and feeling like you don’t matter until the relational stress erupts into verbal or physical fighting or ultimate withdrawal (ending the relationship).

Here are some practical steps to RESOLVING relational stress:

STEP 1: DEFINE your own feelings. Each person must DEFINE their own feelings and reactions to the circumstances they are in. So ask, “WHAT DO I FEEL? “A problem well defined is a problem half solved.”

STEP 2: OWN the feelings you define. Nobody ever MADE another person feel something. This accounts for the different emotive reactions different people have after experiencing the same situation. You react to situations because of WHO YOU ARE not due to being FORCED / MADE to feel any certain way. Blaming others for what you feel is a downward spiral of relational stress that cannot restore happiness. REFUSE to blame others for what you feel. Your feelings are your own reactions and theirs are theirs. There are no winners in the blame game, only losers.

STEP 3: RESOLVE the lack of self confidence within yourself. Negative self will only see negative in another. CHANGE your perspective from the masquerade of negative self image to a REAL POSITIVE VIEW OF SELF. You might need some trusted outside help. MARRIAGE COUNSELING or INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING may be helpful to identify the steps you need to repair the negative self concept or other issues that create your misunderstanding or over reaction to your partner.

STEP 4: EMPATHIZE with your partner and seek to understand their perspective. If you can successfully resolve your self esteem challenges, you have put yourself in the position of BEING A LOVING PERSON that you want to be. Instead of trying to GAIN the approval of your partner, you can UNDERSTAND and CARE for them. You will also be able to FEEL AND BELIEVE THEM when they express love to you.

Understanding and abandoning the MASQUERADE OF NEEDS will free you to receive love and give of yourself out of a sense of confidence and an appropriate sense of being truly valuable. To get help, please visit our website at NCICares.com

MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN AN AGE OF FAIRY TALES

Our culture is inundated by the notion that the only thing necessary for a successful marriage is to be "in love." From the movies, to novels, to television, our media consistently suggests that being in love insures happiness. Almost all new grooms and brides will tell you they are in love and if this a first marriage for both, over one third of the relationships will fail.

In my marriage counseling practice, many married couples share that they don't "feel like they used to" and that the feel "out of love" within a relatively short time after they are married. Pursuit of that "in love" feeling is behind many affairs.

One woman said in a marriage counseling session that it is almost as if she was lied to ... not by her spouse ... but by the fairy tales -- Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty -- which seem to say that marriage wasn't difficult at all, one only had to feel "in love" and all will be well. She expressed the sentiment, "We don't see what happens the day after they "ride off together into the sunset. We don't get to see the sequel. The story of actual adjustment and work of the relationship is left untold. Marriage would probably be much less attractive if we knew the whole story."

Still, once one understands that marriage is HARD WORK, marriage counseling by a qualified and experienced marriage counselor can be very helpful to identify WHAT needs to be worked on and HOW to work on it. A lot of couples work on solving conflict and resolving differences but without the more objective guidance of a marital coach, they tend to sink back into old, ineffective patterns of communication resulting in becoming more discouraged, frustrated and distant.

The Fairy Tale can be true as part of an overall working relationship. A good relationship will certainly include times of romance and sexually charged intimacy. These generally come during periods after couples have exercised good patterns of communication and problem solving outside the bedroom. When we really share our lives verbally in a safe and accepting atmosphere, the natural result is to want to be physically close.



But sustained, romantic relationships of the "Happily Ever After" sort without the acquired skills of communication and sacrificial love in conjunction with positive self esteem and personal confidence is chasing a feather in a tornado.