MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN AN AGE OF FAIRY TALES

Our culture is inundated by the notion that the only thing necessary for a successful marriage is to be "in love." From the movies, to novels, to television, our media consistently suggests that being in love insures happiness. Almost all new grooms and brides will tell you they are in love and if this a first marriage for both, over one third of the relationships will fail.

In my marriage counseling practice, many married couples share that they don't "feel like they used to" and that the feel "out of love" within a relatively short time after they are married. Pursuit of that "in love" feeling is behind many affairs.

One woman said in a marriage counseling session that it is almost as if she was lied to ... not by her spouse ... but by the fairy tales -- Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty -- which seem to say that marriage wasn't difficult at all, one only had to feel "in love" and all will be well. She expressed the sentiment, "We don't see what happens the day after they "ride off together into the sunset. We don't get to see the sequel. The story of actual adjustment and work of the relationship is left untold. Marriage would probably be much less attractive if we knew the whole story."

Still, once one understands that marriage is HARD WORK, marriage counseling by a qualified and experienced marriage counselor can be very helpful to identify WHAT needs to be worked on and HOW to work on it. A lot of couples work on solving conflict and resolving differences but without the more objective guidance of a marital coach, they tend to sink back into old, ineffective patterns of communication resulting in becoming more discouraged, frustrated and distant.

The Fairy Tale can be true as part of an overall working relationship. A good relationship will certainly include times of romance and sexually charged intimacy. These generally come during periods after couples have exercised good patterns of communication and problem solving outside the bedroom. When we really share our lives verbally in a safe and accepting atmosphere, the natural result is to want to be physically close.



But sustained, romantic relationships of the "Happily Ever After" sort without the acquired skills of communication and sacrificial love in conjunction with positive self esteem and personal confidence is chasing a feather in a tornado.