Intimacy is not simply exchanging skin deep glances of sensuality but unashamedly opening yourself to long gazes into your soul. Intimate relationships, are perhaps the most gratifying and terrifying of human experiences. We crave deep connection with other humans. We dream of being ourselves without pretense. Yet, we are intensely apprehensive when vulnerabilities are exposed. We try to openly share and our internal defenses warn us that we are about to enter the rejection zone. To be intimate, we must let our hair down, allow others to see us as we really are, and risk being criticized or rejected.
When there is threat of rejection, we employ defensive reactions that attempt to put curtains over the windows of our souls. These curtains come in many styles and fashions like withdrawal, controlling behaviors, angry retaliation, argumentativeness, overly self critical responses, avoidance responses, passive aggression and others. Defensiveness keeps the threat away but also prevents intimacy from being experienced.
The first step toward intimacy is to remove the blinders. You must first become aware of your defensive responses. Gaining self awareness is itself scary and can be quite difficult. To take the proverbial step back to attempt an honest, objective view of self is challenging.
Secondly, you must work through or “process” the defensive responses and realize what underlying vulnerabilities they are designed to protect. As strong as your defenses have been you have not successfully prevented the relational pain defensiveness was designed to prevent. Processing defensiveness is completed when the defensive structures have been challenged and relinquished to the extent that they are no longer the “automatic” response.
Free from the traps of defensiveness, you can adopt a more open and intimate posture. Being open will seem less risky and the reward of mutuality and depth in relationships becomes possible. You will be able to open your soul, not because you won’t be hurt, but because you have processed the risks and are able to manage the risk and not cover up through defensiveness.
Intimacy is hard work. It takes courage and confidence to let someone see the real inner “you.” To the degree your defenses are lowered and others can see you as you are, you become an intimate partner. The higher you erect defenses, the less intimacy is possible with others. Intimacy is not always mutual, but it is certain that if you are aware of your defenses and process them sufficiently, you will be able to open the curtains of your soul when your partner gazes in your direction.
