Intimacy: Allowing Deep Gazes into your Soul

Intimacy is not simply exchanging skin deep glances of sensuality but unashamedly opening yourself to long gazes into your soul. Intimate relationships, are perhaps the most gratifying and terrifying of human experiences. We crave deep connection with other humans. We dream of being ourselves without pretense. Yet, we are intensely apprehensive when vulnerabilities are exposed. We try to openly share and our internal defenses warn us that we are about to enter the rejection zone. To be intimate, we must let our hair down, allow others to see us as we really are, and risk being criticized or rejected.

When there is threat of rejection, we employ defensive reactions that attempt to put curtains over the windows of our souls. These curtains come in many styles and fashions like withdrawal, controlling behaviors, angry retaliation, argumentativeness, overly self critical responses, avoidance responses, passive aggression and others. Defensiveness keeps the threat away but also prevents intimacy from being experienced.

The first step toward intimacy is to remove the blinders. You must first become aware of your defensive responses. Gaining self awareness is itself scary and can be quite difficult. To take the proverbial step back to attempt an honest, objective view of self is challenging.

Secondly, you must work through or “process” the defensive responses and realize what underlying vulnerabilities they are designed to protect. As strong as your defenses have been you have not successfully prevented the relational pain defensiveness was designed to prevent. Processing defensiveness is completed when the defensive structures have been challenged and relinquished to the extent that they are no longer the “automatic” response.

Free from the traps of defensiveness, you can adopt a more open and intimate posture. Being open will seem less risky and the reward of mutuality and depth in relationships becomes possible. You will be able to open your soul, not because you won’t be hurt, but because you have processed the risks and are able to manage the risk and not cover up through defensiveness.

Intimacy is hard work. It takes courage and confidence to let someone see the real inner “you.” To the degree your defenses are lowered and others can see you as you are, you become an intimate partner. The higher you erect defenses, the less intimacy is possible with others. Intimacy is not always mutual, but it is certain that if you are aware of your defenses and process them sufficiently, you will be able to open the curtains of your soul when your partner gazes in your direction.

THE MASQUERADE OF NEEDS

THE MASQUERADE OF NEEDS

Relational Stress draws couples to Marriage Counseling. The ability to manage stress is directly proportionate to the ability to enjoy life with others. Resolution to relationship stress can have an immediate and profound positive effect on a marriage or significant relationship.

This blog is about a particular kind of relational stress, The Masquerade of Needs, where one or both partners has an inordinate NEED for approval. When this “need” is perceived not to be met, relationship stress occurs which sets in motion a series of relational reactions that are automatic and destructive.

Essentially relationship stress occurs when perceived NEEDS seem to outpace perceived PROVISION. It’s like when there is too much month at the end of the money. If you NEED $600 to make rent tomorrow and the next paycheck is 2 weeks away, and you have $150 to your name. You are likely to feel STRESS.

Similarly, if you perceive the need to be “loved” or “accepted” at a certain level, at a certain time and through a certain relationship in a certain way, and no matter what you do, your partner does not provide that need, you will experience RELATIONAL STRESS. It will likely take the forms of withdrawal of affection, picking a fight, becoming verbally angry and accusing, negative or critical. These are defensive reactions that masquerade as the “protector” of the needy person in a feeble attempt to protect them from feeling the pain of rejection. The masquerade tries to PROVE that self is valuable but the self does not believe it (low self esteem).

The first question to answer in dealing with stress is, "ARE MY PERCEIVED NEEDS REAL OR JUST A MASQUERADE?" or "IS MY SENSE OF LOW SELF VALUE DISTORTING OR MASKING THE OTHER PERSON’S INTENT?"

There are legitimate hurts which must be felt and processed. There are also perceived hurts that come from a MISINTERPRETATION (masquerade) of a word or action of the other person. These perceived hurts must also be felt and processed … but not believed.

Some people who look at the world through the lens of low self esteem do not PERCEIVE acceptance and approval even when it is being offered. They perceive that their NEED for approval or love is rarely being met and something deep within them suggests that they don’t REALLY DESERVE it in the first place.

Many times relational stress does not arise from ACTUAL FAILURE TO MEET NEEDS but from the perception that you are NOT WORTHY TO HAVE YOUR NEEDS MET. Real feelings of rejection are a result of how low self value misinterprets the good intentions of others reinforcing the false belief that you are not worth the effort to love. This is a firmly held and seldom challenged internal notion that would say if it could speak, “IF YOU WERE WORTH LOVING, THEY WOULD DO OR SAY WHAT YOU NEED.” What you “NEED” then becomes is seen as the “right” of the self and therefore the “obligation” of the lover. Failure of the partner to meet the need SEEMS TO PROVE YOU ARE NOT WORTH LOVING.

This is a never ending merry-go-round of trying and failing and feeling like you don’t matter until the relational stress erupts into verbal or physical fighting or ultimate withdrawal (ending the relationship).

Here are some practical steps to RESOLVING relational stress:

STEP 1: DEFINE your own feelings. Each person must DEFINE their own feelings and reactions to the circumstances they are in. So ask, “WHAT DO I FEEL? “A problem well defined is a problem half solved.”

STEP 2: OWN the feelings you define. Nobody ever MADE another person feel something. This accounts for the different emotive reactions different people have after experiencing the same situation. You react to situations because of WHO YOU ARE not due to being FORCED / MADE to feel any certain way. Blaming others for what you feel is a downward spiral of relational stress that cannot restore happiness. REFUSE to blame others for what you feel. Your feelings are your own reactions and theirs are theirs. There are no winners in the blame game, only losers.

STEP 3: RESOLVE the lack of self confidence within yourself. Negative self will only see negative in another. CHANGE your perspective from the masquerade of negative self image to a REAL POSITIVE VIEW OF SELF. You might need some trusted outside help. MARRIAGE COUNSELING or INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING may be helpful to identify the steps you need to repair the negative self concept or other issues that create your misunderstanding or over reaction to your partner.

STEP 4: EMPATHIZE with your partner and seek to understand their perspective. If you can successfully resolve your self esteem challenges, you have put yourself in the position of BEING A LOVING PERSON that you want to be. Instead of trying to GAIN the approval of your partner, you can UNDERSTAND and CARE for them. You will also be able to FEEL AND BELIEVE THEM when they express love to you.

Understanding and abandoning the MASQUERADE OF NEEDS will free you to receive love and give of yourself out of a sense of confidence and an appropriate sense of being truly valuable. To get help, please visit our website at NCICares.com

MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN AN AGE OF FAIRY TALES

Our culture is inundated by the notion that the only thing necessary for a successful marriage is to be "in love." From the movies, to novels, to television, our media consistently suggests that being in love insures happiness. Almost all new grooms and brides will tell you they are in love and if this a first marriage for both, over one third of the relationships will fail.

In my marriage counseling practice, many married couples share that they don't "feel like they used to" and that the feel "out of love" within a relatively short time after they are married. Pursuit of that "in love" feeling is behind many affairs.

One woman said in a marriage counseling session that it is almost as if she was lied to ... not by her spouse ... but by the fairy tales -- Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty -- which seem to say that marriage wasn't difficult at all, one only had to feel "in love" and all will be well. She expressed the sentiment, "We don't see what happens the day after they "ride off together into the sunset. We don't get to see the sequel. The story of actual adjustment and work of the relationship is left untold. Marriage would probably be much less attractive if we knew the whole story."

Still, once one understands that marriage is HARD WORK, marriage counseling by a qualified and experienced marriage counselor can be very helpful to identify WHAT needs to be worked on and HOW to work on it. A lot of couples work on solving conflict and resolving differences but without the more objective guidance of a marital coach, they tend to sink back into old, ineffective patterns of communication resulting in becoming more discouraged, frustrated and distant.

The Fairy Tale can be true as part of an overall working relationship. A good relationship will certainly include times of romance and sexually charged intimacy. These generally come during periods after couples have exercised good patterns of communication and problem solving outside the bedroom. When we really share our lives verbally in a safe and accepting atmosphere, the natural result is to want to be physically close.



But sustained, romantic relationships of the "Happily Ever After" sort without the acquired skills of communication and sacrificial love in conjunction with positive self esteem and personal confidence is chasing a feather in a tornado.

Counseling: Anger Management

I don't think Northwest Arkansas is unusually plagued with angry people. In fact, it may be more laid back than average. Still, anger is one of the most destructive forces in relationships. Most angry people agree that it hurts their lives. Some research shows that anger is a major contributor to heart disease in males.

Still, anger appears and retreats almost without permission. As anger gets hold of a person there seems to be insufficient restraints to stop it. Once on a roll, there is no stopping an angry person. Better to get out of the way. If two people get going with uncontrolled anger, it isn't going to be pretty.

Here is a tip on anger.

Anger is not a primary emotion, it is a secondary emotion. In their book, "Mad About Us," Gary and Carrie Oliver share that anger is built from more fundamental reactions and emotions, usually a combination of some form of fear, hurt, or frustration, that fuels the anger. When a person is angry they are usually not aware of these underlying emotions and where they come from. At the moment of anger they believe that someone or something else has "made" them angry. In fact they are angry because they have been hurt, frustrated or scared.

The key to understanding anger and becoming a less angry person STARTS with understanding and owning the underlying emotions that give rise to the FIGHT respone expressed in many forms of anger.

Counseling NOT for Dummies

It is a common misconception that counseling is for DUMMIES - or CRAZIES - or WEAKLINGS. In fact, it is not for the faint of heart at all. It takes a great deal of courage to face one's issues and even more to share them with another person. Seeking help is hard to do.

I recently was with a group of men yes, yes, I know especially "men" don't ask for directions, and none of them had bothered to map out the route we were taking to our golf outing. After driving several miles in what was supposed to be "the direction of" the golf course, the driver asked, "are you sure the course is on this road?" There were at least 2 Iphones in the car and it took another few minutes to try to access Google Maps. When that failed someone finally just phoned the golf course for directions. This takes not asking for directions to a whole new level.

I have the greatest respect for my clients who seek counseling help. They have taken the bold step of asking for help. It is often better for them when they seek counseling help -- as it was far better for us to actually play golf rather than driving around "thinking" we know where to find what we wanted.

Helpers as Counselors

Helping seems to be in our DNA -- a part of what it is to be human. Counselors help in a specialized way, attempting to help a person learn about his or her hidden life -- an "inreach" -- offering to be included in what otherwise might remain private, intensely personal, and perhaps intensely painful.

The counseling room is designed to be a safe place in which one may discover and study and understand the complicated or confusing pieces of one's own life. It is an ever changing landscape in which counselor and client are constantly exploring new territory, organizing the findings and creating new perspectives of their inner world. Counseling is a process of guiding and supporting a companion's process of self exploration, self discovery and self reorientation.

Safety and trust are the essential elements of the terrain of a counselor;s room. They are the shelters under which one encounters the parts of their soul which have been hidden by coping methods and self protection for months, years or decades.

Courageous clients walk through the story of their lives, counselor at their side, sharing not only their experience by how their experience has shaped how they perceive themselves and others. The guide, having traveled similar roads with others, is sure footed and provides a sense of "knowing" where the client has been and how they have come to be where they are. He marks the important turns and confusing twists in the trail, sharing the unique discoveries made by his companion with alternating joy and horror as each new thought and feeling is revealed and understood.

While they walk together the client feels more understood and also better understands themselves. Counseling assists people to see life from a new vantage point from which they live out their dreams and goals. They reinterpret their experiences and develop new, more positive feelings about themselves. Change occurs as their inner world becomes comfortable territory, perhaps for the first time.